Well, let's just see how it goes, it's a little too early to tell but as Adam would say, "Be brutally honest, it's good for us all."
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We're a bunch of doodlers and dreamers.
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The Red Baroness's Book of Sighs and Spies
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Saturday, February 15, 2003
Pardon my language, but that Rose, was F***ing hysterical.
Adam, are we going to get a little more Norm?
I'll try to get the setting thing typed this weekend (I'm going to try and get my taxes done too but that's hardly relevant.)
Oh yeah and:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WILD IRIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good night fellow campers.
Tammy 1:03 AM
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Norm stood up from the barstool, stone-drunk stupid and said, "Dude, I remember bein' in Hawaii standin' knee deep in heroin!" That's what I remember about Norm.
I haven't a decent massage since Sara divorced Mike and took off to Idaho with my "knee-deep" acquaintance. I heard they named their kid Bear.
Chris 11:41 PM
You know what ladies, The Station isn't my story to be passing around the web. Asher didn't say much when I sent him my version. He thought it was interesting and reminded me that he had it on the market.
Chris 8:35 PM
Movie? What have you all been talking about? Easy ladies. Let's keep this low-key.
Chris 11:40 AM
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Sorry Adam, I know I promised the rest of my comments after west wing but I got caught up in other things so perhaps tomorrow I'll continue - by then you'll probably have already changed it and I'll have to revise all my comments anyway. It's good though - I'm rusty and need to be kept on my toes.
So, here is my nursery rhyme post. I still have to type up my setting assignment it is currently scribbled in a notebook.
Old King Cole
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl,
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Every fiddler had a fiddle fine,
And a very fine fiddle had he, had he.
Tweedle dum, tweedle dee, went the fiddlers three,
Tweedle dum dee, dum dee deedle dee.
Tweedle dum, tweedle dee, went the fiddlers three,
Tweedle dum dee, dum dee deedle dee.
Old King Cole had owned Cole's groceries for the past thirty-seven years. He was a good business man with fair prices. He let the widow's take things on credit if they ran out of something before their government checks came in. King was just a good man in general, always willing to lend a hand if one was needed, helping the pastor hand out missals on Sunday morning before mass and vacuuming the place afterwards. But for all his goodness, for all his kind deeds and generosity, King was a lonely man. King lived in the house his Daddy had built when he was just knee high to a grasshopper. The place used to be swarming with children of all ages but King lived there alone now, he had outlived them all. Even his little brother Johnny – twelve years his junior, had never come back from the war. Now it was just a big empty house without even so much as a ghost for company.
King made up his mind one lazy afternoon to get himself a dog. Really, it was a wonder he hadn't thought of it before. A dog was fine company for a man, a dog would keep the rabbits out of his garden and the rats out of the store room. Yes, a dog was just the right idea, the perfect solution to his loneliness. His heart grew lighter with anticipation.
That night King poured over the ads in the paper searching for the perfect canine counterpart. He didn't want a puppy as fun as that would be, he needed a companion with a few more years under his belt than that.
Tammy 11:22 PM
No, I'm not suggesting dropping the first paragraph. I do think the movie version should start with the dialogue like that but for the story I think some minor alterations should suffice.
Tammy 10:50 PM
Please don't refer to me as Poopsie. Adam is fine.
Chris 10:46 PM
I love the new colors, but... Where are the NAMES?!?!?! I can't tell whose comments are whose!
I will post my assignments after I finish my Valentines - promise!
Baroness - are you suggesting Poopsie drop the first paragraph and start right in with "Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha - The prayer only cost ten kwacha. What a deal. What a steal!"
Certainly gives a flavor and rhythym right off... what do you guys think of starting with dialogue though? Isn't it considered to be a bit of a cop out/too obvious hook to begin with dialogue?
~wildiris
Beth Gallaway 9:06 PM
Okay Adam, here we go. My notes are kind of jumbled because I have all of these printed versions with different things scribbled on them but bear with me and we'll see how it goes. You made a lot of nice changes in the three drafts that I've seen so far but I agree with Iris that your character shift between the foreigner and the girl is still a bit abrupt. Is the foreigner coming back later in the story? He shows us some good details but if he isn't showing up again after being dismissed by the girl then I think that we either need to see him only through the girl's eyes (and not show us things from his point of view) or you may have to show us those details that come with him in another way and do away with him entirely. If he is going to be his own character and show up again later then you may want to give us even a little more from him.
Hang on, I need more wine.
Okay. I also need a bigger desk but nothing can be done about that so let's get back to your story shall we?
Other than straightening out the character issue I think the opening is fantastic. "Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha Ten kwacha - The prayer only cost ten kwacha. What a deal. What a steal!" I love that. It's downright musical. I can hear it.
There is a bit of confusion about the young girl, Anna. Her age bothers me. Or her lack of age I should say. You keep referring to her as a "little girl" so from your description I am picturing a girl in the 8 to 12 age range. Then she is asked about her husband, referred to as "mommy", asked about her father and ultimately speaks of her baby and husband. Is there some way you can do something to give us a clearer idea of an age range earlier on? Love the addition of her comments on the foreigner and the "bad" girls. I love the "errand of heartache". I also really appreciated the new details of the boy "minding a grass basket full of boiled ground-nuts" those details are great and really expand the scene without interrupting - keep 'em coming.
The point (and this is a petty one) where she is grabbed by the guard outside and it reads "he grabbed her" - kind of distracts. He who? Perhaps generalizing the he to "someone" or a guard or something less specific anyway might help.
Okay - have to take a break - that's something to chew on for now anyway. I'll pick up again after West Wing.
Tammy 8:00 PM
Hey Rose thanks for the Capt Underpants interlude: Poopsie Appletush and Tulefel Applebrain?! Love 'em!
Tammy 7:22 PM
I'm an idiot. Trying to do too many things at once. Just went looking for my glasses - yeah, I'm wearing them. I'm too young for this, seriously.
Tammy 7:17 PM
Adam - tried the color change but the names don't show up anymore so, I'm thinking you might have to live with purple. Besides Rose said purple can be manly. Unless you know how to fix it so the names show again? C'mon, help a sister out.
Tammy 5:48 PM
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Rose, honey, I love you and your new harlequin romance you've got going there but I think Adam was referring to the *girly* lavender color and not our writings .
Tammy 11:11 PM
Monday, February 10, 2003
I know I'm the only boy here but could we get a less girly background?
Chris 10:40 PM
Thanks for the food for thought! I'll let it stew in the back of my head until I can sit down and work on this story again.
Chris 12:49 PM
Baroness,
All sounds good to me. Started working on the setting one, found I was putting in too much about the thoughts of the narrator.
Adam, nicely done... but you shift character abruptly... who is the protagonist here? Lovely vivid details set the scene, and do reveal the foreigner in the first several paragraphs, but the focus changes.
-Tulefel Applebrain
Beth Gallaway 3:01 AM
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